


The Intergalactic Godkiller Dreamteam

by The_Elister



Category: Original Work
Genre: Bible references, Blasphemy, Crack, Disrespecting gods the 5th grader way, Friendship, Gen, Google is my friend, It now has a second chapter yay, Let's kill the gods with the power of friendship and very sharp swords, Minor Character Death, POV Third Person, Please let the formatting work, Shopping, Taking John Wick along for emotional Support, Wordcount: 1.000-5.000, giftfic, no beta we die like men, we're carrying swords, we're here, we're ready to fight
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-28
Updated: 2019-10-09
Packaged: 2020-10-29 21:44:45
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,772
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20803469
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/The_Elister/pseuds/The_Elister
Summary: The pantheons have existed for a very long time. Time to do something about it.





	1. Gotta kill them all

**Author's Note:**

  * For [ImpishTricksters](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ImpishTricksters/gifts).

> I have zero clue about mythology, so sorry to anybody who does, because I just used Wikipedia to portray Zeus, Loki and Chiyou. I don't wanna offend anybody with this. This story came into being because of a Whatsapp coversation I had with my friend, that started with me sending her the link to a comic book series. This contains several shitpost and book and whatever references none of these belong to me.  
Love my friend who helped with ideas and formulating some stuff. Thank. Lov u. Hop u lik.

The gods of all pantheons prepared to fight.

There had been rumors. Rumors about two friends, vicious, unrelenting, who would not stop until they reached their goal.

This is the story of the old gods and how they will end.

It had started unsuspicious; some floating piece of dirt and rock in the sky of a small planet, a dead minor deity, throat sliced. Nobody thought much of it. Most likely they had just gotten into a fight with another god. “Stop drawing penises in my holy scriptures, or I’ll rip you apart!”  
But incidents like this became more frequent, impossible to ignore. Complete pantheons were annihilated.

Rumors were spreading. Two girls leaving the battlefield, covered in blood.

The Godkillers.

You would be able to recognize them from afar, leaving just enough time to hide yourself, because they don’t have the patience to wait for you to move out of their way.

They were the absolute dream team. Even if everybody in the universe were a traitor, they would stay true.

They were Lea „Tell me who to murder” Urassaya and her partner in crime Eli “Come fight me if you dare” Ellidhi.

Lea, short hair, just long enough to tie into a bun, purple like burning iod. Tall, back straight, shoulders squared, the air of a commander around her.

A glare as cold and hard as stone, turning everyone to ash who had the audacity to feel equal to her and look into her eyes.

Her knives, flying faster than light, twisting with the fluidity of wind, raining death upon her enemies.

Eli, short hair, shaved into a mohawk, green like burning copper. Vigorous pace, head held high, the power of an army in her fist.

Her battle scream made mountains shake.

In a fight she was a blur of swords and lightning, taking out anyone who dared to challenge her.

What they called a friendly spar, others feared as earthquakes.

If John Wick existed in their universe, they would only take him along for moral support.

The gods gathered, held council, argued, despaired, agreed not to go down without a fight.

But go down they would.

They equipped themselves, prepared, formed strategies, the location they chose would surely give them an advantage, would surely… surely…

From afar, a sound, screeching, whining. Battle music. The Godkillers, their deadly duet of kazoo and harmonica becoming louder, gaining speed, coming closer. Ready to win.

The gods gripped their weapons tight, raised their shields, laid their spells out in their minds and scraped together every last ounce of bravery they possessed. It had been decided beforehand, that they would try to negotiate, to come out alive, or to at least win time to assess their opponents, search for their weaknesses, to do them as much damage as possible.

But there was no weakness to be found.

The two sauntered closer. Both were clad in dark cloaks. The one carrying three swords, Eli, spoke first: “What’s up, losers?” Lea, twirling a knife around her fingers, but having dozens more up her sleeve, didn’t let them miss her condescension either: “Heya, bitches!”

Zeus, Chiyou, Loki. Those three had been elected to represent the assembled deities.

Perhaps Zeus, the king of gods, god of the sky, lightning, thunder and justice might instill some fear in them.

Perhaps Chiyou with his horned head, his six arms, his ability to call upon the weather, might intimidate them.

Perhaps Loki, trickster incarnate, god of mischief and fire, infamous Silver Tongue, might sweet-talk the two into letting them go.

“What a glorious day to meet in battle. We heard about your skill, your persistence, your power. All your victories show how mighty you are. We need no more prove that you are the most powerful in this multiverse. There is no need for this fight- “

Eli interrupted him. “Is talking all you can do? Huh? Are you lot gonna put up any fight at all? Or will you perish like the dogs you are?”

Chiyou wouldn’t let that kind of insult go. “Are you any better? You want to kill us all, as a revenge for our wrongdoings. How dare you try it, when your sins outnumber ours?”

Lea couldn’t bear to stay silent at that. “I’d be disappointed if they wouldn’t. I’d be ashamed of my pathetic existence, if I were you!”

Zeus had to throw in a hateful comment, too. “You will die, slowly, painfully, pleading for mercy!“

Lea fell into a fighting stance, knives in her hands. “If you want me gone then smite me yourself, worm!”

Eli just huffed. “I’ve had enough of this bullshit.” She unsheathed one of her swords, crossed the space towards her enemies in several vigorous steps and rammed it into Zeus chest with a cry that could still be heard several galaxies away.

Lea charged, faster than the eye could follow, at the deities brave enough to try to defend themselves, making quick work of them next to her friend.

Some of the gods tried to run away, but there is no escape, no rescue from the Godkillers.  
.  
.  
.  
The battlefield was a wasteland. At one point, it had started raining blood. Nothing would live here for the next few millennia.

And there she stood: Eli, slayer of gods, with her trusted swords, grown dull with the amount of bodies she sliced apart. She stood high above the deity she had just bested, an amused smile decorating her face. Golden ichor was smeared all over her. She looked upon her work and she saw it was good.

Next to her: Lea, butcherer of everything other people falsely worshipped. Her hood hid her face, but even without seeing the smirk spreading her lips you could feel the glee radiating of her. You could almost physically grasp at the joy she felt at leaving a trail of dead deities in her wake. Her robes were coated in the golden blood of the gods, it was dripping from her knives onto the last enemy she had kneeling and begging before her.

They begged and begged and begged, but Lea has never been known for her merciful heart.


	2. We gotta restock

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Intergalactic Godkiller Dreamteam goes shopping.
> 
> ¡¡¡Keep in mind that the Christians named their God Jahwe or whatever!!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is crack and nothing else, hope you like.

“Mhhmh”, said Eli when she saw her friend entering the kitchen.

“Mmmhh”, answered Lea.

If one had a lot of creativity, this conversation could be translated to something like this:

“It’s 2pm, which is way too early to stand up and I just slept for 17 hours straight and if I weren’t that hungry, I’d go back to bed and sleep for another 17 hours. The world is too bright and I crave death.” The correctly translated answer would be: “Me too, bitch. You ain’t special.”

If one didn’t have that kind of creativity, it would be two normal people wishing each other a good morning.

Lea, who usually didn’t eat breakfast, actually just stood up to ask this important question: “Can I borrow your whetstone?” Don’t get her wrong here, she wasn’t a morning person either, and she certainly wouldn’t waste her energy on sharpening her knives for hours on end torturously early in the morning. But her knives were dull after killing so many fuckers, and she wanted to be prepared. For what, she didn’t know, but her gut feeling told her some throats needed to be sliced.

Eli, by now inhaling a bowl of chocolate-covered cornflakes, asked: “Mmh?” “Ya know, I accidently left it lying around and it’s gone all dry.” The green haired menace couldn’t care less about what happened to her whetstone so she eloquently replied: “Mh.”

“We might needa go shopping later, by the way.” A “Mmmmmmh” was thrown her way, interlaced with one single emotion this time: suffering.  
  
.  
.  
.  
  
A bit later, they had their butler drive them to the town center. “What do you even need there?”

“Here, I have a list. Alright. First, I need some pistachios.”

.

They left the store, their butler dragging a large sack behind him.

Eli, who looked as sceptic as a 10th grader being praised for their enthusiasm, just had to ask: “Exactly how long are those supposed to last?” “Next week maybe?” “Sure… What else do you need?” “A new pair of sunglasses.” “Alright, then we gonna get you some sunglasses.”

.

Lea, with her eyes covered by lenses as black as the void in her chest, dragged her friend down the street to the next store. “What do you need now?” “Knives, swords, whetstones.” “Hey look there’s a music store!” “You already have 14 harmonicas at home.” ”Yeah, you are right.”

.

When they arrived at the smithy, their butler was dragging a sack of pistachios with one hand and carrying three harmonica cases in the other.

Lea was testing out several greatswords, twirling them around in front of them smith, all the while keeping her judging eyes on him. “Hey, how bout you get yourself a Flamberge?” “Nah.” “Since when are you into swords, anyway?” “Always have been.” ”I’ve never see you use them.” “Because somehow, whenever I buy new ones, all my swords keep miraculously disappearing. I wonder who’s behind that.” Lea gave the other girl a look that made clear she definitely did not wonder.

.

Going down the street, loaded with their new weapons, the Godkillers could drown out the sound of a marching army.

“Look, there’s a bookshop!” “We really are lacking spell books if you ask me.”

The shop was out of stock when they left.

.  
.  
.

“What are you even gonna do with all those weapons?”, Eli whined.

“Kill somebody, duh.”, deadpanned Lea.

“Yeah, but who? Like, we killed all the gods.”

“How about their respective evil counterparts?”

A confused frown found a new home on Eli’s forehead. “Weren’t the underworlds usually controlled by some sort of deity, too? I know of some pantheons, who made peace, just too fight us as a united force.”

”Didn’t help them, in the end. Anyway, you remember our home-dirtball?”

“Earth?” The frown on Eli’s face had by now build a house, gotten married and conceived three children.

“Yeah, duh. They had that Christshinanity-thingy, you remember? Where the Devil wasn’t a god or goddess or genderless deity. And I know several other religions have something like this, too.”

“Sooooo, we gonna kill all the hellish forces we can find?”

Lea simply nodded in approval.

.  
.  
.

There were a few minutes of silence.

“Ya know, the humans are actually fucking stupid, when you think about it.”

“Water’s wet.”

“Yeah, like, their sun is called Sun, their moon is called Moon and one of their major gods is simply called God. Like, creativity 1/10.”

“Their god did have a name, though, I think. Ja-something.”

“Jack.”

“I guess.”


End file.
